june twenty-ninth.

Do you ever have days that just seem like all your emotions are crashing down around you? 

That's how today was. I pulled an all-nighter studying for biochemistry, as in NO sleep. I was running on the pressure to do well and my reluctant body. Yolie and I got to school obscenely early (7.30) when our exams were at 10.30. We did this to prevent distractions, and it worked. Unfortunately, I reached that point in studying where NOTHING else will fit in your brain, and whatever's in there already is getting mushed up into one large, incorrect piece of information. True story. I had to learn SO many different values. For bilirubin, the metabolization of iron, uric acid, lipase, LDH, CK... and so many more. Along with their respective values I needed to know how they were formed, their (many) roles, how things can go wrong, how said problems manifest themselves... everything. I felt sick to my stomach when I looked at the clock at it showed a cheery 10.13. I started panicking, coming up with worst case scenarios, thinking about just leaving to avoid the possibility of failing and taking it in the fall, anything to just get out of there. 10.30 comes and goes, so does 10.45. I was starting to think our professor forgot, that I'd be able to leave and study some more... when she comes in. I just remember forcing myself to breathe normally, to calm down. Apparently she had to be somewhere at 11.00, so she was in a huge rush. She gave me ONE subject from each semester, so two total, and told us to just write about it and give it to this lady she was leaving in her place. I was dumbfounded. We were supposed to get more than one subject, and it was supposed to be oral. The luxury of writing your thoughts down and piling them into cute, organized chunks is rare here. I think I did well enough to at least pass, but you never know... 

Still, it was over and it had taken such a toll on me. I went home, stripped my clothes off, and collapsed into my comforting bed for some much-needed sleep. I had really disturbing dreams, a lot of which really bothered me. This is weird because I never get nightmares, let alone so many at once. I woke up in a weird mood, thought too much about things, and put THIS on repeat. The last one is pretty much asking to cry, but I felt like that's what I needed at the moment. I love The Conversation to begin with, but Julia's video is so full of vulnerability and truth, it's like the definition of how I interpret that song. Also, Miss Nunes was followed by a song off Regina Spektor's new album: Laughing With. It just fueled my crying binge some more, and I'm not liking this mood. I leave tomorrow morning for the mountain for real this time, and I'm still not packed. Sigh. 

Do you remember how we met?
Silhouetted by the lights...
You were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with your hands
I was thinking about that
And a bunch of other things
Stop looking at the floor...
I need to pour out this expansive dose of words.

I can't explain...
I need to be alone.

I know the timing isn't great
But these things, you just can't plan.
I just need a little time
So I can find myself again
'Cause I get buried underneath
All the things they think you are
And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt 
To be left out

I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.

-the conversation, motion city soundtrack. 

xox, 

loveacrosstheocean.

[photo caption: "You were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with your hands"]